Every Moment is a Day

 Yes, its true. Cliched yes, but true nonetheless - every moment is a day and sometimes every day does seem like a lifetime. So much for La Vie en Rose .. all thorns sometimes. But if I have learnt anything from the collective wisdom accumulated in my 44 years, its that some pages in the story of my life, have to be lived before they are turned. Some pages, life makes me linger on, tear stained and dog eared pages that are begging to be turned over to happier places and safer spaces. 

But Life, my friends as I know it is a good teacher. So until I live and master the lesson, there I am. Stuck in a moment.  Opening the book, daily, weekly, monthly but on the same page. Waiting, on the cusp of change that one day I will wake up and I will just know - just like autumn crisply knows when winter arrives, and winter falls suddenly silent at the first hint of spring who gloriously ushers in a warm sunny summer that gracefully lets fall make its way. 

One day, I will wake up and just know, that the page has turned. But its not so simple, because I also know from experience that I have to be the one to turn the page .. that stuck at the altar of metamorphosis, that only person who can bring the change will have to be me .. And I also will have to face my fears because the pages after - god knows what new story what new struggle Life will hold ..

There will be people who will not be in the next chapter, there will be experiences and memories that will melt away as the book of my life progresses, smiles will fade and tears will fall and holding on will be more painful that letting go ..So until I reconcile with all those ghosts of the coffees past ..So until I find the courage - to lift the page and turn it .. I will be stuck, in the moment, in the lifetime till the fear of having to put the book down, will force me to turn to a new page. 

The darkest hour is always just before the dawn. 

I am 44 years old and my city in Mumbai, 

Thank God I have enough.

Hero

I once read somewhere that hard times do not create hero’s but only reveal them .... I beg to differ. 40 trips around the sun and I firmly believe that there is a hero inside each of us .. a voice that says go on when things are difficult .. that summons the last reserve of strength when just getting up and putting one foot ahead of the other can seem like a daunting task.. sometimes fighting battles so ordinary that they would put Troy to shame just by the banality of it all .. if we look around us, we will find hero’s everywhere .. so how about you take a look in the mirror today ? 

INSTINCT

Instinct

The voice in your head
The sound of your heart beating loudly in a silent room nudging you
The strain in your neck
That deep breath you release
The smile that you smile but which isn't really a smile ..just looks like one but sure doesn't feel like one
Instinct .. you live by it ..or die trying to ignore it ..
The urgency to take a decision
Knowing fully well that a it may be a right decision ..or a wrong decision
But the worst of all .would be to take no decision..
And so I did today...
And so help me God.

I am 38 years old and my city is Mumbai, Thank God I have enough.
 

In a Heartbeat

(Dedicated to HQ – who nudged me to get back to this blog)

Life happens in a heartbeat, one moment you are a cranky baby up in the middle of the night staring at the ceiling wearing diapers and in the very next moment, you find yourselves up in the middle of the night changing them. What is interesting and humbling though is that regardless of how many years you have spent in between alone, in both scenarios you are strangely complete ..and completely exhausted.

Too much has passed since I wrote on mettakau, 5 years, 2 kids and it seems like nothing is the same as it was. Maggi is a health hazard, Modi is in power,  McDreamy is dead and Mamma Mia – Starbucks is in India.

Change is everywhere.

This past week, I visited Gurgaon on a work trip. Gurgaon – the center piece of many a post on this very blog, different and same – all at once. Crazy infrastructure, every possible MnC, swanky T3 airport ...but then again..same old drama on the highway, same old Haldirams and same old Dill dry heat. My mind was on its own journey that day, down memory lane and I could feel the warm embrace of laughter, memories and good times spent with friends, I didn’t know then but do know now, a decade later who would be an integral part of my life. 

And as I got off the flight home and stepped into a torrential Mumbai downpour, I called home to check on the kids. Said good night to them and blew imaginary kisses. And just when the mind was straying again trying to think of what preparation was needed for A1's school day and what snack I was going to make and how to deal with A2's cold..and just at the moment when I was on the cusp of wondering when and how on earth life had become this maze of mommy lists, ..my own phone lit up in blue with my Mom calling to see if I had landed and to say Good Night.

Life has changed.. a lot... but in a heartbeat.. its all the same. 

I am 37 years old and my city is Mumbai. Thank God I have enough. 

An ordinary day

Yesterday was an ordinary day when I greeted the grey sun at 6 am. Running against a time bomb in the morning, caught between washing bottles, cleaning, diapering, cooing, cuddling, chores and the usual race against the clock that culminates in a very tired mom eating breakfast in the car on the way to yet another day at work in Mumbai.
Yesterday was an ordinary day when I broke for lunch at noon. Running some more errands, filling insurance policy documents, writing more cheques, researching on schools. Time flew and with it flew any aspiration of a more organized together me.
Yesterday was an ordinary day when the skies broke into tears on my way home. Weary clouds, turgid with the weight of yet having achieved so little burdened my shoulders. The long commute home mirrored with broken atms, a hunt at more than 8 chemists for baby stuff, traffic, honking and me navigating lifes puddles.
Yesterday was an ordinary day when I called my husband at his office and went on a venting spree for 20 mins where I shamelessly complained about everything and everyone.
Yesterday was an ordinary day when I reached home and launched full fledged into my second shift of bottle washing, cleaning, diapering, cooing, cuddling, chores and the usual race against the clock that culminates in a very tired mom eating dinner in the 10 mins between the time baby is sponged to baby being ready to go to bed.
Yesterday was an ordinary day when the rains lashed across the city suddenly in a wild deluge bringing with them an erriie foggy darkness than descended like a curtain on the happenings of the day and city and a day in the city in my life.
Then, on a whim, I played music while rocking Ananya to bed and Air Supply filled our small room with their beautiful melodies song after song. Ananya decided that she liked the music and smiled her way to dreamland.
And as I held my little bundle of joy, waltzing with her, my thoughts worries and complaints suspended somewhere in a dream space between chorus and motive...Yesterday stopped being ordinary.
And it hit me like a freight train - how close to perfection everything was.
And suddenly and sheepishly - I was thankful, grateful and more than ever ..hopeful.
Amen

Letter to a 10 year old me

. - I have been away for a while. Lets just say it was a "Pregnant Pause". Baby got Back. Here is what I wrote for the past many months. Until Tomorrow.

Letter to a 10 year old me 

Dear Kau, 

1. You don’t know this yet, but the world is a fabulous place filled with amazing people. There are extraordinary acts of kindness, amazing stories of love, enchanting travels, fascinating points of view, interesting perspectives and heart warming bonds just waiting for you to cross paths with them. Tread carefully and savor everything that comes your way ! 
2.  Life – is going to take your breath away. Sometimes, its going to be because you have the wind knocked right out of you and it hurts so much – you can hardly breathe. At other times, its going to be because you are so happy – you just can’t help feeling a bit giddy from it all. Keep Breathing. There will be times, many times in your life when your breath will be the only companion you have. Nurture this relationship. It will keep you grounded.Before you do anything, say anything, get provoked – Breathe.When you are first in line at a red light, and the signal turns green, before you hit the gas and make a run for it – Breathe.When you are waiting in line to make the big presentation that could change your work life – Breathe.While the pot is simpering and you can hardly wait to taste the new dish you just cooked up – Breathe.When you are lying in bed at night, surrounded by darkness and your inner demons turn up to tease you.Breathe.When you get off the treadmill after burning rubber and want to eagerly gulp some cold water..Breathe.When the love of your life asks you to marry him.Breathe.Practice it.It will help you develop temperament and perspective.Your breath will be your best friend if you - only let it.
3. One day – you will learn to appreciate the yummy taste of water.The only fizz that you need  is in your life and in your steps. Drink 2 litres of water everyday.It will save you a lot of visits to the doctor.Stay away from Soda. You will never regret it.    
4. Falling is love is easy. Staying in love is harder. Finding someone who will love you back is hardest. And believe me …nobody gets it right the first time.  Our society places far too much importance on the concept of happily ever after and the institution of marriage.  It is better to be happy alone than feel like a complete wreck with someone. Chances are that you will end up being the last of your many friends to find someone. Chances are that they will counsel you on how you should find someone to marry.  Chances are that you will cause your family and parents much grief by being a 30 year old single woman.  Chances are that you will spend many evenings with nothing to do because all your friends are busy with their own lives. Take your chances.  You will know when you are ready. And remember that just because you are ready to settle down – does not mean that you are ready to settle…Do it your way.
5. You are unique. Humans are mostly made of chemicals. And all those chemicals magically stay together because of electric charge to make a living breathing you. It’s the miracle of life. Your life.  Live it. Love it. Learn from it. No one can judge you unless they’ve walked in your shoes and had your life experiences. So hear what everyone has to say, but listen to your heart. You will sleep better that way.
6. You will learn to value time. Unfortunately – the circumstances that teach you this lesson will be hard and trying. But it will be a lesson well learnt. You will cry over rivers of spilt milk, sunk costs and squander way too many opportunities before you realize the value of the fleeting minute.But when you learn this, you will learn it rather well. Kal Ho na Ho. Aaaj – make it worthwhile. Run harder. Type faster. Hug Tighter. Breathe Deeper. Kya pata – Kal Ho na Ho !Let me state the obvious to you.  There are 4 weeks in a month. 12 months in a year. That means that an average life of 85 years – has only 4080 weeks. And one less after this week turns the clock. So what are you going to do to make this Saturday memorable??
7. Waiting is a wonderful thing.  Amazing things can happen to you while you wait. You will have a fantastic time if you can get over the fear of waiting. Life is like a basketball game. Sometimes – there is more bench time. So what?  When you get to play – the point is to make those 60 seconds count! …Maybe you will realize one day – that waiting was the best thing to happen to you!  Maybe you will study more, build some character, maybe a sense of humor, travel to uncharted places, cultivate cherished friends, eat savory foods, write a passionate blog and have remarkable experiences.  And maybe you will do this while you wait for something – someone.
8. Sometimes not getting what you want means that a FANTASTIC life waits for you around a corner you would have never turned given a choice of your own!  Your life will be defined by the choices others around your make. Far more than some of your own. So if you have to choose – Choose Life. Choose to be happy. Choose to be the creator of your own destiny, of your own safety net, of your own comfort zone of your own laughter!
9. You will make horrible mistakes. And you will regret them. Immensely. There will be words you will wish you had never said. Tears you will wish you had never cried. Trust you will wish you had never shattered. You will survive chronic loneliness, crushing unemployment, terrible humiliation, bitter rejection, destroyed friendships and shattered relationships. And some of these will take you quite a long time to recover from.  Don’t try to avoid them. Fate often finds us on the path we take to avoid it. One of the hardest lessons you will learn along the way is how to forgive yourself. 
10.  Never be afraid of loving your friends openly. It’s the only way to embrace the family you were not born with but created yourself.  Love them, defend them and cherish them. This will make you vulnerable and weak at times.  Do it anyways.  Don’t ever flatter them. Tell them the truth. They will appreciate it and will take you seriously. You will find that friends are a lot of hard work. It is hugely worth the effort.
11.  Never waste a chance to tell someone that you love them. One day you are hugging a snuggly 2 year old and before you blink – he’s a lanky 5 year old who doesn’t want to be hugged because PDA is for girls. Kids grow up. Time waits for no one. And never for love. Make every minute count. Don’t fight with your parents. Its really not worth it. Learn to ignore some things that they say. They weren’t provided with a handbook titled “Raising Kau” that explains in detail a foolproof way to ensure that they do everything right. They make mistakes too. So give them a chance. One day you will realize what amazing friends they can be. If only you let them. Tell them that you love them often.The consequences of love, being loved and loving back will change how you see everything. Let it. 
12. There is nothing that a hot cup of tea and a heartfelt hug won’t solve. Sometimes, watching a swollen tea bag come to life in a mug of steaming hot water is like watching an opera in a ceramic cup. And you will learn to immensely enjoy the drama and friendship that lie in a cup of chai. When you feel cold – it will warm you. When it’s too hot – it will calm you down. When you are happy – it will cheer you along and when you are sad.. It will comfort you. And one day you will be very happy that you were born after tea was discovered.
13.  There are three relationships that will define you. The ones you have with yourself, your God and your mother. They will be mirror images of each other. When one suffers, the other will feel the pain….Like a lousy Subhash Ghai movie. And the hardest of times is when they will all clash with each other. This will happen rarely. But when it does, boys …take a breath and tie yourself to the mast. It will most certainly pass but will most definitely be tough.
14. CELEBRATE! Make a habit out of it. Celebrate the arrival of the rains, the new litter of kittens down the street, an unexpected breeze, finding a good book, meeting an old friend, a freshly brewed cup of coffee, a trespassing leaf, making a new friend, the odd nation - wide strike that leaves you at home, a new pair of heels, Friday evenings. Celebrate every day. Rejoice. Swirl. Take a bow. You are born with more than what most of the world wakes up to. So if you want to cry – make it 5 minutes and a good howl and then to hell with it!Shimmy and rock the day! Nothing is unfixable, insurmountable, and undoable. Thank your stars and raise a toast! 
15.   Develop a prayer routine. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. Whatever works for you.  You will spend a lot of time alone in your life and learning early how to have an open honest conversation with God will make things easy for you when you really need some divine intervention. Never hesitate to question your faith. Faith is meant to be questioned so it can be redeemed and strengthened. When you question your faith, it’s time to pray harder.
16.   Learn to spend time alone. It will change your soul. There is far too much noise and clutter in the world for it to make sense all the time. Alone Time is like a gym for the soul. A much needed exercise. Go for a walk, gaze out of a window, cook, clean, whatever it takes. Invest in a “me” routine. It will keep you younger and make you more honest.
17.  Never go to bed with your ego. At the end of each day – keep it aside. Sometimes, this will involve looking at the mirror and saying “I was a jackass today”. Sometimes this will involve making late night calls and saying how sorry you are that you were a moron. Sometimes this will mean less sleep. Do it anyways. Strange things can happen if you eat a little humble pie once in a while. Its south beach for your mind.
18. Your health is the best gift you can give yourself. Learn to eat well and exercise. Nothing you do or want to do means anything if you aren’t healthy when it happens. Your body is a temple. Don’t feed it trash. Sometimes this may mean that you are uncool. Often it may mean that you sleep early so you can hit the gym before work the next day. Your body is where you live. And your health includes your mind. This means taking care of your mental health and learning to avoid toxic people and situations. This will be harder than most diets. Just Do it. Think happy, be happy, eat happy, live happy and love happy.
19. Don’t take life seriously. Like they say – no one gets out of it alive anyways. Your life is your free trip around the sun in the solar system. Enjoy the sights, savor the experience and remember  to have a good time.  Walk in the sunshine, paint your toe nails hot pink and experience the miracle of life! And don’t ever get too bogged down that you forget how exceptionally fortunate you are.
20. In the years to come, you will make many plans. Plan to ace that science test, plan to become a house captain, plan to become an engineer, plan to study abroad, plan to get married, plan to have kids, plan vacations and brunches and finances and gym sessions...Most of all – Plan on having a good time… .You will sulk and cry and stress and try damn hard to do otherwise, but what you don’t know yet and I do – is that it’s inevitable.  Things are going to workout – when you least expect them too and you are going to be grateful and hugely thankful for all the good and the bad cards that life deals your way.

So Chin up young person and Seize the day ! ..Life is waiting :)
Sincerely,
Kau –Age 33

Hero

On Independence Day this year, Hero Motorcorp released their new branding campaign in India. Composed by Maestro AR Rahman, the title song for the campain “Hum mein hai Hero” was an instant hit with me and Kumbhi baby. While I responded in true adult fashion by looking outside the window contemplating and then writing this blog, Kumbhi’s vigorous kicking was truly a more honest response.
Its funny, just a few days ago, the air rife with anti corruption protests, bomb blast witch hunts, oil spills and riots in the so called civilized developed world, I sat in bumper to bumper traffic staring at the potholes on the highway of life. I could not help but wonder what kind of a world was it was going to be for the new generation that will make its way to planet earth this year. What would their values be? Who would their heros be?
The funny thing is – that its hard to remember sometimes the most basic of things. Its great to see public figures on the television…politicians, nobel prize winners, scientists, sportsstars and literary gurus. But how many of them can you truly recall as core inspirational quotient generators in your life. Our personal heros are always and almost certainly those just around us.. our parents or a teacher who is patient with our failings or a sibling that holds our hand in the dark or a friend who stays positive through a difficult time or a classmate who overcomes defying odds to make it big or one that simply gives it up to help others. A small kid that stands up to the neighborhood bully, an old frailing dog that still ferociously guards the entrance to our apartment, the cleaning lady who never misses a day or a doctor that makes a dreaded midnight call to help a loved one.
The truth is that you don’t have to go to war to be a hero. Even just saying “No” can be so hard sometimes its an act of bravery. In one way or the one, we are all our own heros.
Seeing the small kid say “No” to giving up his bat and sticking to the crease in the commercial, brought me tears and perspective.
I am a fool to worry about the last action heros of the world. There will be plenty of everyday acts of bravery and heroism to inspire young and old in the days to come. And that will help us all hold on ..just five minutes longer ..to that ray of hope, that sliver of a dream and that will make all the difference.

I am 32 years old and my city is Mumbai.
Thank God I have enough.